Undesired

There is no worse feeling than just not being enough. 

Resolution

I like to think I have WAY more control over my life than I think and I'm trying to find ways to harness that, when in reality, I really know I don't.  I have very limited control and my problem lies in not trying to gain as much control as I can, but in finding a way to let life happen and to be happy with whatever the outcome is.  Maybe I don't need to be overjoyed, simplly happy.  So much time spent thinking about worst case scenarios has left me forgetting how to be positive and happy in the present and I know I can do that because I remember being that way before.  No more wasting time.  I could die tomorrow then I would be really pissed off that I spent so much of my time worrying.  Happiness is out there, on my front porch, probably smelling the fabric softener blowing out of the dryer vent by the front door.  I really should invite it in. 

Things I have learned the second half of 2011:

I have learned a lot about grief.  There is so much involved with grief that I have only learned part of it, and unfortunately it’s the part about how it affects me.  I haven’t gotten close to learning about the recovering from grief part, or how to grieve properly if there is even a part on that.  I have learned that I can hide it pretty well.  I cannot control it very well.  It can come at any time of day or night and fogs my future.   It looks like something you see out of a movie, head in your hands sobbing, or staring out of a window with tears rolling down your face.  Hollywood got that one right. I can sometimes distract myself and turn it off.  Mostly though, I have learned that it hurts.  There’s no better description than that it hurts really bad. I feel horrible that there are others out there, some I am close to, who have experienced this and yet I didn’t understand the pain they were going through.  I would never say that at least I’m thankful for this experience because it has taught me empathy.  I most certainly am not.  I was very content and at peace without such empathy.   That those closest to me who have no idea that I am shredded on the inside will probably not have to endure this, however, does bring a small sense of relief.   I would not wish such gross kinship on anyone.   Wow.  Drama much.

I have learned a lot of physical reactions to pain.  I know now that my right eye will leak tears first.  I am all too familiar with the taste of them now. I have learned that if I cry too hard, my eyes actually feel like they are going to turn inside out or pop out and that I may actually hurt myself from crying.  I have had the unique chance to experience hyperventilating (never got to do that before).   I once cried so hard and for so long that it made my head felt like it was going to explode.  I remember panicking that I wouldn’t stop the pain in time.  Yikes.  I have learned to take cold medicine to help speed up recovery from a particularly bad crying jag.  My head has had a slow dull ache for the past six months, but I have learned to  listen to upbeat music or watch stupid cooking shows or distract myself with anything to keep it at bay.  It is only a temporary fix though because like any dam made from Kleenex, it inevitably overflows, floods, and needs to be rebuilt.  It is a cycle that is not predictable, lending to the lack of control I have over most aspects of my life nowadays.   They say time heals all wounds, but I think they are talking about more time than this.  If I feel this way after almost six months, I’m thinking this could take several hundred years before I start to feel any better.  Physically, I don’t feel like I even look the same as I did six months ago.  There is definitely brightness missing, but I’m not sure where to find it.  I think I have become adept to hiding the puffy eyes with makeup (and cucumbers ARE good and reducing swelling), but there are some mornings I am just too tired and I know people won’t ask questions, no one ever does, although I’m sure the frequency makes them want to. 

I have learned to hide some of this from my husband and almost all of it from my family, although my patience with my children, or lack thereof, is highly recognizable and questioned by them, making things that much worse.  I have learned that someone can feel very alone for quite some time and still survive.  Living is different than surviving.  Speaking of which, I have learned that sometimes our children can save us.  I’m going to leave it at that without anyone questioning my sanity which is really not that close to the edge, but closer than I am comfortable with.

So, to sum it all up, life has continued on and I feel as if I have stood behind a thick wall of glass while watching someone who vaguely resembles myself go through the motions halfheartedly and there is nothing I can do to break through and fix things.  I am broken and am so very tired of feeling this way. 

Okay, I’ve turned down the music and maybe I’m being a little dramatic, I’m not exactly broken, but severely fractured.  I feel horrible when my husband knows I’m feeling so low.  It’s not his fault and I don’t blame him for feeling this way.  That’s another big thing.  I have nowhere to lay the blame so I’m piling all on God.  Jesus take the wheel, as they say, but I think all Jesus wants to do right now is go through the drive thru for a coke because I’m getting nowhere.  (Also, blasphemy is way easier nowadays when I’m mad at God, kind of refreshing actually, don’t stand too close to me though when it rains.) I know I could say I’m mad that he told me, but in reality, I know he was doing what he thought was right so how am I supposed to be mad about that?  I’m just mad for what it is.  He’s going through his own right now and just piling this on him makes me feel even worse.  I haven’t talked to my therapist for over a month now.  Maybe this is where this is all coming from, that and the holidays coming up.  And the economy.  Right?

Love one Another

Went to church today, kind of on and off this summer, but I actually got something out of it for once in a long time.  There was no deep doctrinal discussion, just focused on the love of Christ, the two great commandments, and losing ourselves in service.  I realized that I need to be better at loving my neighbor if I am going to feel the love of Christ that I have been missing.  That sucks.  Some of these people just drive me nuts.  I have a really hard time with some of them, some for a good reason, others just bug me for minor personality "defects."  It's not that I think I'm better than them, I just think my "ways" are better but I know they aren't, and pride is my biggest problem right now.  I have realized lately that everyone has their problems and if I only knew about them I would be more compassionate.  I am expecting all this love and support from people who have no idea what I am going through, yet I'm not willing to offer the same.  How dumb is that?  At least I'm learning.  Slowly.

Time

I've been away from my computer a while, kind of a nice break.  I've certainly had my ups and downs these past few weeks, but I've noticed that a lot of it has to do with how I'm spending my time.  We took the kids to an amusement park the other day, just the family, no aunts, grandparents, cousins, or anyone.  Just us.  It was a blast.  We stayed all day, walked around like a normal family riding roller coasters and laughing, eating junk food and not caring.  It was the first totally normal day we have had in a very long time.  We stopped off on the drive home for burgers and shakes, something I would normally cringe at, but I was just enjoying how happy everyone was, I would have given them heroin if that was what they were asking for. 
So, the next day we did a lot of driving and started off the day with a misunderstanding which led to us being pouty and quiet.  I had the whole day to think and boy, those thoughts are never good.  They only led to more angry thoughts and plans on what I was going to do once we started talking again.  After everything was cleared up, I realized I had wasted a whole day with negative thoughts and feelings.  Totally wasted.  Idle time is definately NOT my friend.   I see now that the best thing for me right now is to keep busy.  Why not?  I certainly have enough to do, its just that I stopped doing things once this all started.  I stopped working, which sucks because now I see that you don't get PAID when you don't work, huh, funny that.  I stopped caring for my kids so much, stopped making them lunch, they now scrounge around for snacks during the day and hopefully I find the energy to get dinner on, mostly not though.  I stopped spending time with my family like I used to, stopped talking to my mom, and stopped doing a lot of things that kept me busy and fulfilled.  I think I'm just coming out of it, forced out really by some previous obligations, but I shouldn't complain, something had to happen.  I may have been in a little depression there, but now I'm beginning to at least acknowlege it and hopefully it won't get any worse if I just keep myself busy.  Like I said, I have plenty to keep me occupied, I just need to start DOING it again.  I ran errands all day today with the kids and have been pleasantly distracted all day.  This has been like an illness, incapacitating in the beginning, but I'm slowly regaining my strenght and figuring out what I need to be doing to keep it going.  I don't doubt there will be more sleepless nights in my future, more puffy eyes and sinus headaches, but if I can figure out how to keep it to a minimum I will be grateful.   I want to be able to see beyond this. And maybe, if there is any good that is to come of this, I will begin to see that too. 

Trip to Costco

I've been doing a lot of thinking about being a single mom with obnoxious kids.  Not that I'm single right now, but my insecurities that stem from my husband not really knowing what he wants have made me panic and want to prepare for any scenario. 

I took the kids to Costco this afternoon for just a few things.  I don't often do this because I know better, but thought I may as well see how it goes.  They were absolutely horrible!  I felt like everyone was staring at this puffy eyed lady with no wedding ring (took it off, unrelated story), judging me for having these spoiled rowdy kids who were obviously the product of a dysfunctional home, hanging off my cart and knocking things off the tables.  I wanted to just crawl over to the stacks of flour sacks, lay down, and cry myself to sleep.  How do women do this!?  I honestly cannot imagine!

My head has been spinning for 3 weeks now and I just can't seem to get it to stop.  I know I should stop reading blogs and get back to work but how do I do anything, ANYTHING, when all I can think of is how different things are.  I wake up and go to bed with the same man, yet I feel like he is a complete stranger sometimes.  My insecurity is the worst part of it.  I feel like I need reassurance CONSTANTLY and he can't offer what I need.  I get panicked when we are walking by eachother in a store or wherever and he doesn't take my hand.  Does he just find me repulsive now?  I can't see how just TELLING me about his being gay would automatically make him stop doing this.  Then that leads me to think he was forcing himself to show affection all this time as a means of trying to convince himself he's not gay, and now he can be free to stop because now I know.  Wow.  I'm really screwed up right now. 

I can say "the worst part of it is," but really, there is no "worst part."  It's all just bad.  Bad, bad, bad, and I'm in a dark, bad place, save for the rays of hope I get in the blogs I've read which are the only uplifting things in my life this past week.   Once again, I see how pitiful this all sounds, and some of you may be experiencing it as well, but I hope to look back on this post and say "wow, glad I'm not there anymore."

Well here I am.  A little about me:  I named my blog after the big change in my life, namely my husband coming out to me after about 14 years after we met, 3 kids later, and what I assummed was a good life until now. 

I was a good Mormon girl, raised in the church, even served a mission.  After this happened, I gave up completely, questioning everything I ever beleived in.  I adopted the name Summer for my blog because that's when all this happened, the very start of the first day of Summer.  The season I look forward to all year.  I was literally an hour into it when the s*&% hit the fan.  (Oh, BTW, I've adopted a nasty swearing habit now that, although is not compensating, is delightfully difficult to control).  So here I am, blogging about being married to a gay man and hoping to find some support in getting through this.  Everything I saw for my future has been wiped out.  I am literally living from hour to hour at this point and still break down several times a day.  I did make it through a whole day last week without crying which I thought was awesome, unfortunately it didn't last.  My poor kids have that "something is wrong with mom but we don't know what" vibe and I'm not doing so well right now in controlling my temper. 

My husband and I have had a lot of long conversations and although we feel closer now than before, there are still a lot of ways that I feel I am living with a stranger.  I cling to him incessantly, paranoid of what he is doing at every moment, hoping that maybe there is a spark still left where I am his world, but then reality hits and I know I never was which breaks my heart.  This goes on several times a day and I am fearful of how long I can keep it up without snapping in some embarassing, newsworthy way.  

Hopefully I can look back on this first post and be surprised how far I've come.  It is cathartic, I guess, to vent this way, which is why I guess  a lot of us going through this choose to blog.  Hopefully I can find some comfort here, as I'm getting very little of it from above.