I've been doing a lot of thinking about being a single mom with obnoxious kids. Not that I'm single right now, but my insecurities that stem from my husband not really knowing what he wants have made me panic and want to prepare for any scenario.
I took the kids to Costco this afternoon for just a few things. I don't often do this because I know better, but thought I may as well see how it goes. They were absolutely horrible! I felt like everyone was staring at this puffy eyed lady with no wedding ring (took it off, unrelated story), judging me for having these spoiled rowdy kids who were obviously the product of a dysfunctional home, hanging off my cart and knocking things off the tables. I wanted to just crawl over to the stacks of flour sacks, lay down, and cry myself to sleep. How do women do this!? I honestly cannot imagine!
My head has been spinning for 3 weeks now and I just can't seem to get it to stop. I know I should stop reading blogs and get back to work but how do I do anything, ANYTHING, when all I can think of is how different things are. I wake up and go to bed with the same man, yet I feel like he is a complete stranger sometimes. My insecurity is the worst part of it. I feel like I need reassurance CONSTANTLY and he can't offer what I need. I get panicked when we are walking by eachother in a store or wherever and he doesn't take my hand. Does he just find me repulsive now? I can't see how just TELLING me about his being gay would automatically make him stop doing this. Then that leads me to think he was forcing himself to show affection all this time as a means of trying to convince himself he's not gay, and now he can be free to stop because now I know. Wow. I'm really screwed up right now.
I can say "the worst part of it is," but really, there is no "worst part." It's all just bad. Bad, bad, bad, and I'm in a dark, bad place, save for the rays of hope I get in the blogs I've read which are the only uplifting things in my life this past week. Once again, I see how pitiful this all sounds, and some of you may be experiencing it as well, but I hope to look back on this post and say "wow, glad I'm not there anymore."
Hi Summer,
ReplyDeleteI'll be gone for a few days. I'll check in when I get back. Take a deep breath and take one day at a time. It's going to be a roller coaster ride for a little while. Prayer, scripture reading and lots of chocolate get me through the ruff spots. Diet Coke with a slice of lime is my drink of choice. An extra tough day may see my slice increase to three.:)
Learning to stand without help takes as much learning as when we first started to walk. You can do it. Hugs and Prayers to you.
Gotta love the diet Coke with a slice of lime! I keep telling myself, one day at a time! Have a great weekend!
ReplyDeleteSummer-MNJ here from two queens and one castle. Im in utah till tomorrow. I think youre in Utah? I know it's weird and if you don't want to no big deal but would love to meet you guys if your up to it. My cell # is 931-260-5149.
ReplyDeleteSent an email, but had to defrag my computer cuz it was in a bad place, so I'm not sure if it was sent or whose email it went to. I'd love to meet up sometime in the future though, I just have to get the timing right.
ReplyDeleteSummer-i did get your email & i responded. many happy thoughts coming your way.
ReplyDelete