Well here I am. A little about me: I named my blog after the big change in my life, namely my husband coming out to me after about 14 years after we met, 3 kids later, and what I assummed was a good life until now.
I was a good Mormon girl, raised in the church, even served a mission. After this happened, I gave up completely, questioning everything I ever beleived in. I adopted the name Summer for my blog because that's when all this happened, the very start of the first day of Summer. The season I look forward to all year. I was literally an hour into it when the s*&% hit the fan. (Oh, BTW, I've adopted a nasty swearing habit now that, although is not compensating, is delightfully difficult to control). So here I am, blogging about being married to a gay man and hoping to find some support in getting through this. Everything I saw for my future has been wiped out. I am literally living from hour to hour at this point and still break down several times a day. I did make it through a whole day last week without crying which I thought was awesome, unfortunately it didn't last. My poor kids have that "something is wrong with mom but we don't know what" vibe and I'm not doing so well right now in controlling my temper.
My husband and I have had a lot of long conversations and although we feel closer now than before, there are still a lot of ways that I feel I am living with a stranger. I cling to him incessantly, paranoid of what he is doing at every moment, hoping that maybe there is a spark still left where I am his world, but then reality hits and I know I never was which breaks my heart. This goes on several times a day and I am fearful of how long I can keep it up without snapping in some embarassing, newsworthy way.
Hopefully I can look back on this first post and be surprised how far I've come. It is cathartic, I guess, to vent this way, which is why I guess a lot of us going through this choose to blog. Hopefully I can find some comfort here, as I'm getting very little of it from above.
Summer, Hugs and Prayers go your way. I feel this is one of the most devastating things we as straight Mormon women will ever go through. Believe me, you will survive. I know. I did. The sad part is,this is something you'll not hear discussed in RS or other meetings. It's easy to feel you're the only one. Believe me, you're not the first and unfortunately, you won't be the last. After my husband came out to me, and I got over the first shock, that was my lifeline - I am not alone. There are other women out there who are going through this in various degrees. That led me to this blog world. I know Heavenly Father will help you through this . He helped me. He knows our pain, our sorrow, our embarressment, and all the other feelings hitting us. Please remember He loves us.
ReplyDeleteI know there are a lot of women that are angry and feeling a lot of hate towards their spouse. I was angry, I was mad. I felt I had been lied to all these years. I think it's normal to have these feelings. I thought my temple covenants were no longer valid. That I was no longer worthy. But I didn't know who to ask. Through much prayer and soul searching, I came to realize that it's going to be OK. I haven't violated any covenants. The Lord loves me. He loves my husband. He loves my family. One of my guiding thoughts is "Sorrow and hate are not forever, Love is."
As you turn to the Lord, a strength you never thought you had will soon be yours. Hang in there. I'm sending Hugs to you.
I can't thank you enough for your kindness and support. It's amazing to finally be able to interact with people going through the same thing. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! Hugs right back!
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